RANTS & BABBLE

The beast, jumping up, trying to
get to me and kill me,
through the glass door

Ok... this dog has got to go.
All day all night barking, aggression, growling, snarling... your basic, average psychopathic beast.  I admit, I have had my moments of fun... deliberately aggravating him, but now I just think that he should be put to sleep to spare the world his foul character.

No word of a lie, if he were to get free, he would kill.  Me, to start with... and then loose in the neighbourhood, who knows who his victims would be?  Babies?  Toddlers?

Where is the dog whisperer when you need him?  Off the air?

Call him... this is a severe case.



To tell the truth, I tried to be a bit of a dog whisperer around him for the past few days.  

Why not? 

I thought, "I like dogs... dogs like me."  



Hell, I even HAVE one.  So I tried to talk in a smooth, calming & complaisant tone... to no avail.   Now... I have posted this video you see here, but it hardly does justice to the situation.  It appears that the dog is just merely excitable as he heads out for a walk, but let me assure you, it veers far, far, far from excitement alone...

Enough about the stupid dog.  That was Rant #1, by the way.

The other day I took a selfie, standing beside a brick wall.  To me, it was very reminiscent of one that might be taken of Rick Mercer... 
So I have decided to rant for a minute.

I think that most of this blog has been exclusively dedicated to ranting & babbling, but I want everyone to know how much I actually want to say and don't... 

Perhaps it is to protect the innocent or to protect the guilty... but mostly, I think that it's just to protect me from being alienated or assassinated, should this blog get in to the hands of the wrong person.  There you have it... 

Rant #2...

Being in a foreign country and staying with friends & family is fantastic... until one thing happens.  Then everything falls to shit.  This one thing is the 'car ride' to the unknown.  A place that either;

1. No one has told you about.
2. Told you, but made it seem very nonchalant.
3. Told you, but you weren't listening or didn't quite understand, but nodded your head anyway, out of pure politeness.

Either way... the location is a mystery and the time spent there is also a mystery, because, as a guest, you can't really pipe up and announce that you've had enough of your time wasted in that place and you'd really appreciate the 'moving on' part of the journey to commence immediately.

Nope... you sit there... and you smile.

You sit there with no wifi and you play Tetris on your phone until it's dead.  You curse yourself for not charging your phone more or bringing a book or a journal...

The next subject is the absolute WORST... there are no holds barred about speaking about someones flaws and faults... when that person (me) is right there. They look at you with true empathetic concern, just wanting a shred of justification as to 'why' we ended up like this?

This can be anything!  And I mean anything from;

• How much you eat or you don't eat.

• How big or fat (or both) you are.

• How tall you are.

• How big or small your boobs are... gut, double chin, bum, cheeks... etc...

The list goes on...

I challenge anyone... no matter how much you do or don't know in regards to the language, you sure as hell know the exact words that tip off your insecurities! You're ALL over that shit. 

Usually I try to brush it off... it hasn't happened a LOT this time, but enough to definitely make me remember the blatant conversations from the last go-round!

I have not had an English conversation since I left Quito.  

OMG... I just realized that you could almost replace 'English conversation' with 'wine'...

One glass since Wednesday.  It's Wednesday.
Someone needs to buy me a week cake.

Ok... back to communication... my Spanish words are coming along slowly, but my understanding of what everyone is saying is improving daily...

Pat on back for Jo.  

Pat now before it's way too red & sunburnt to touch.

I know what comes next... dreams!

Other things make me laugh.... AFTER the confusion is over, of course. Actually everything always makes me laugh... it's just stifled sometimes.

Rant #3...

There are some words that are just not known to me (or seemingly untranslatable to the English language) ... no matter how much you try.  I've got all the bells and whistles too.  I try not to go anywhere without Google Translate on my computer or my Speak & Translate app on my phone.

Take, for example, Pan de Yuca. (translation- Yucca Bread)
Delicious.  I really like it.  I can imagine eating the entire bag of them, should the challenge ever present itself.
But... the big question of the day is... what is yuca?

This was the conversation that followed;

"Que es yuca?" (translation - "What is yuca?") 

"Yuca." 

"Si... pero... que es" (translation- "Yes... but... what is it?) 

"Yuca...  Yuca."

This being said slightly slower, yet louder.

"No entiendo 'yuca.'" (translation - "I don't understand 'yuca.') 

"Es como las papas." (translation - it's like potatoes.)

Hmmmm.... pullin' blanks here.

So I did what any sane and resourceful person in my position would do, I pulled out my computer and inserted 'yuca' in to Google Translate.

This is what I got. 

The best part of it all was that everyone was happy, and pointing at the translated word, like suddenly, if you added one 'c,' I would have complete comprehension, and we could all rejoice and go on with our lives.

Nope... I still don't get it.

Maybe I'm the dumbest person in Canada.  No idea where Turquía is and I've never heard of Yucca... 

But it's out there... a very popular root vegetable (carbohydrate) in South American cuisine.

Another one was 'cuy.'

This one is particularly entertaining for me, because it's what Mari suggested we eat when we got to Cuenca for our first night there.

I just gave her a blank stare... and the usual conversation ensued...

"Cuy."

"Que es cuy" (translation - "What is cuy?")  

"Si... cuy!" 

"No entiendo 'cuy.'" 

"Cuy, cuy, cuy..."

I don't just suddenly understand a word that I've never heard before by having it repeated over and over again.  Then it all came out...

Mari, in her best English, chose her words 'poorly,'

"It is like... little rat."

Conversation over, regardless of whether or not she got the word wrong.  You can't tempt me with that description.  I'm out... 

Later on, I hit Google Translate... 'cuy'...

It comes up in English as the exact same word.  At a big time loss here.  But I persisted through modern technology and didn't stop until I discovered it was basically Guinea Pig... but I still decided that maybe I wasn't in the mood to try it quite yet...


Rant #4... Toilet paper.

• If you have it when you need it, be overjoyed.
• If you don't have it when you need it... well, life sucks, because no one is bringing it to you.
• If you desperately need it and they sell it in a nearby dispenser, hopefully you have exact change to buy 1 metre of it.  If not... that sucks too.
• If you have the change to buy it, but the machine has run out, that also sucks big time.

Or... my personal favourite, is when a certain location has complimentary toilet paper, but the dispenser is located outside of the bathrooms and you forgot to grab some before you went in to do your business.

This happens to me more often than not, because I have not yet customized myself to actively seek out TP before I enter the stall.

Regardless of any of those scenarios, if you end up with toilet paper and all is well, your next challenge is remembering NOT to flush it, but to put it in the bin next to the toilet.

This takes real concentration, skill and precision... and you can have the best intentions the entire time you are in the stall, but fuck right up at the final crucial moment, because, let's face it... it's just not something that you're used to doing.

I haven't even mentioned the smell of the stall garbage bin... have I?  I'll leave that up to your imagination.

Last rant of the evening... #5-
Margarine

Now... they say 'mantequilla,' which properly translates to 'butter,' but 'butter' it is not...
Margarine, excuse me for saying this, is pure, disgusting absolute shit.

And it goes in everything!

Mami was making Plantain & Cheese balls this morning- and in theory... they should have been absolutely delicious.  Plantains boiled up and mashed, salt, cheese... and a LOT of margarine.  Then they are supposed to be fried up in oil until crispy on the outside, but I have to say, the margarine completely  destroyed the entire experience for me.  I could not kill the taste of margarine in my mouth and floating around in my stomach... all day long.  I intend to make them when I get home, with real butter, and I fear that I may become addicted to them, because they have the potential to be heavenly!

But man, it was awful how it lingered.  The smell, the taste, the thought... 

If you ask me, margarine is only good for perhaps curing constipation and I already took care of that all on my own, last night.  Oh- and it's probably very instrumental in assisting with self-induced vomiting as well...

Just sayin'

For the entire week, I have been repeating myself whenever the family asks me what I like and don't like to eat.
My lists consists of 'mushrooms' and 'cilantro.'

I will now be adding Margarine to that list.

Rant & babble over... for now, anyway...

Have a good night everyone!

UNCEASING & VEHICULAR

Up early and out of the 'hostel'... a term I use very loosely, as  I do have better words that I can think of... but we can go with 'hostel' to keep it creditable (on my end, anyway.)

So the little midge/mosquitos bites that I got the other day... I think I probably have Malaria now.  They started off as little bites... itchy... normal.  They escalated to red bumps... itchy once again... then on to small blisters... ... oozing maybe Malaria?... and now they have turned into nasty little disfiguring lesions.  And ONLY on my ankles.  Perhaps some mosquito net socks might have done the trick.

Are stomach cramps a sign of having Malaria?
No... I think that's the ever-developing constipation again...
God... the things our bodies go through when one toilet breaks...

We stopped at a local restaurant while we were waiting for the car parking area to open.   Pan con queso, cafe, jugo... heuvos... (bread with cheese, coffee, juice, eggs) the usual breakfast delights.

Grabbed the car and skedaddled out of Cuenca pronto.  I was going to suggest a quick stop to Banos, but I think Mari was done with the tourist part of the weekend.  I didn't want to push it.

The ride home wasn't as foggy as the ride there.
Don't get me wrong... there was fog... but it was nowhere near as hazardous as it had been a couple days prior.

I spent a lot of time taking photos out of the window,
 to capture the country life of Ecuador.

There were definitely moments of alarming and pure hair-standing-on-end... Mari has a little bit of a heavy foot when it comes to the break pedal, and we followed a bus so closely for most of the trip, that I thought, for a time period, we might as well be ON the bus.

I spent a lot of the time, staring out the window and trying to capture some shots of the typical country life outside the city, as we zoomed by.  Definitely not particularly professional shots, but I think I fared well considering I was sitting in the passenger seat of a moving vehicle.

Definitely NOT Oliver Twist...

When we finally arrived back home at La Joya in Guayaquil, most definitely , the largest lunch I've ever seen was awaiting me!  A daily conversation here is how much I eat.... and believe me, I'm not starving, nor am I fading away at a rapid pace (as one would hope.)  I honestly believe that Mami wants to double my portion to ensure that I don't mysteriously vanish... Between the sitting and the eating, no wonder I tower over everyone.  Indisputably, I'm Brienne of Tar.

I have come to accept the fact that no matter how many times we cover a certain subject, no matter what I do or don't do, or how much I eat or don't eat, we are always going to discuss;

1. Eat more! Por favor!!! Eat!
2. When are you getting married?
3. Why don't you want children? WHY???
4. Please have a baby and give it to me. (Mami)
5. When are you coming back to Ecuador?
6. You like beer?

To these, I respond (daily)...

1. I'm full.  Please don't make me eat anymore.
2. I'm never going to get married unless I'm desperate for a party, gifts and some money.  So... maybe soon... who knows?
3. I'm too selfish for children.  Potzy is my son.
4. Believe me, if I have a baby, you can have it.
5. Why don't we get this trip over with before I start planning to come back.?  Aren't you sick of me yet?
6. Nope... I don't like beer much at all... I like wine.  In fact, I'm addicted.

Usually I leave the 'addicted' part out...

After lunch, I was helping with the dishes, which is also a struggle, because I think that Mami feels she needs to wait on me hand and foot.  I have to literally force myself in to the kitchen.  I think I've really impressed everyone with my ability to carry many plates in one hand. Hospitality experience pulls through once again.

I had asked Mari earlier what the plan was with the car rental when we returned to Guayaquil, and her exact words (and I quote) were, 

"Probably I return the car and then take the bus back home."

That was the plan. Sounded good to me.  Bueno.

The part that I wasn't aware of... whether it be due to appalling miscommunication, my only selfish disregard or sudden change of plan.... was that I was also involved in the 'return the car/bus' arrangement... and going along for the ride... again...

You can imagine the pure horror when I found out...

"Noooo... por favour! Noooo.  En serio????"  (translation- "No... please! No. Seriously?)

I didn't intend to be rude, it was just the initial reaction to having to return to the car again.  But... yes, to be polite, and save face from my immature little outburst... I went along.

I tried to take my computer along for the ride, so that I could, at the very least, catch up on a couple days written adventure, but Mami made me put it back in the house, for fear that someone might steal it while we were on the bus.

Half an hour ride to the airport rental car location.
Another 40 minutes for them to look the car over for damage, fill out rental return forms and rip up unused authorizations.

Then the bus...

We walked a little ways to the actual airport and caught the first bus from there.  When I say 'first bus'... there were 3.
Half hour on this one, got off, walked a bit, missed the next bus, waited longer, boarded the second bus... rode another 20 minutes.... got off, walked a bit, got on a shuttle bus... got off, walked a bit.

My question of the day was;

"Would a taxi not have been twice the price, yet 1/4 of the time and 100% less hassle?"

I was only met with laughter and "muy caro, Joanna!"

On bus #1

Home again, home again, jiggity jig...  

In total, it took us 2 & 1/2 round trip.  Don't get me wrong, it was quite the experience being back on the local buses again.  But I think it's less of a bus ride, and more of an experiment in human sardine packing, if you ask me.

Tomorrow, come hell or high water, I refuse to get in a car.  Wild horses couldn't drag me.  I will be walking and standing the entire day away.  Mark my words...

Sitting here now, writing... there are dogs barking, alarms going off... Sometimes I think that this gated community is a cross between the dog pound and burglary planet.

LET ME EXPLAIN YOU WHY

One of the things that I desperately wanted to do while I was in Ecuador again was ride the train.  
Not just any old, boring train... and not just to any location.  I wanted to ride The Devil's Nose train.

Nariz del Diablo

When I was in Ecuador 26 years ago, I'm not quite sure where we boarded this train- but I do know that our final destination was Riobamba.

The praiseworthy thing about this particular train ride was that our group not only got the experience of riding IN the train, but we got to ride on TOP of this train.  Through all the mountains, the zig-zags, the tunnels, the cliffs, we sat on top for the most dangerous and thrilling parts of  the journey.


We hung off the sides for photo opps, climbed up & down the rail cars ladders, hung out the windows yelling at each other, jumped from train car to train car... all exhilarating stuff back when we were 19 years old.

Looking back at my memory books, the things that really stood out to me was;

• Tim standing up on top of the train.
• The train pulling out of a station, while Anthony was still behind a building relieving himself, and having to run to catch the train.
• Trying to keep our heads down and not breath in while going through the tunnels - black, smokey and boiling hot.
• Stuck inside for a time period next to a very old and smelly woman.

Also, I remember the train being filled with indigenous mountain people, chickens, pigs, bananas... you name it... and us.

Now, planning my second trip to Ecuador, I searched and searched for this particularly dangerous train... desperate to relive this treacherous and life threatening adventure, in my mid-40's... but the description I had in my mind & memories didn't quite fit the description of any of the tourist tours I found.  Then I discovered why.

In 2010, a tunnel cable dropped, and ended up decapitating two Japanese tourists.  It makes me cringe considering that we went through the tunnels, living life on the edge, lifting up our heads and trying to breathe through all the smoke and darkness...

Understandably so, after this appalling incident, there had to be a serious upgrade to the Ecuadorian rail system.  No more 'on top' of the train.

Looking back at the 'good ole days,' I'm actually quite proud that I lived to tell the stories of when caution was thrown to the wind.  Now saying that, I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way to say that there are huge rules and restrictions implemented now.  Look at the base boards for one of the bridges we had to cross!


Anyway - our tour began at 7:00am... actually the van was slightly late... 7:10am.  Waiting... outside... in the rain.   No tip!

Me... desperately trying to be a dare
devil... but I'm too scared to fall in
the river... and there are no hand rails.

Four American couples (2 fantastic older couples that lived here in Ecuador now, 1 young & obnoxious couple from New York and another very quiet, keep-to-themselves couple from South Carolina), Mari, me, and a  Canadian lady from Toronto... who also ended up proving herself to be quite bothersome as well.  To explain further, her phone died... so I offered to charge it on my lap top during one of our many van trips.  This, to her, was suddenly an open invitation to charge her phone on my computer at every stop... 

Some photos I took in Alausi at the local market

From the moment we got picked up, we had a 3 hour journey ahead of us to Alausi, were we would board the train.  Just what I wanted, more travel time.  My ass deserves a prize for "Most Compliant."


The New York weirdo was behind me for the entire van trip, and I don't know if he was sleep talking, singing or following along with some kind of a lecture, but it almost seemed like he was trying to whisper confidential information to me... give out secret coordinates.  I almost turned around and asked him to shut up.. but finally just decided to try and ignore it.  At one point, I heard his girlfriend say, "What are you saying?"

Selfie - Me, Mari and Jesus!
Look closely!

We only had 20 minutes in Alausi before boarding the train... and there was a small market there. Quick look around, back to the station and All Aboard!

Our rail car was almost full, but not really.  Mari and I ended up switching to single seats so that we both had a view when the train started chugging along.  It ended up being breathtaking - volcanoes, waterfalls, lush valley river bottoms... 

The tour was a section of tracks around a mountain  that requires the train to reverse directions several times to zig-zag down steep sections.  It's quite the impressive and technical procedure!  At a few points, I figured that the train was just going to topple over the edge and that would 
be the end of us.  At every turn of the track, the scenery would be on one side or another... and that's where everyone would flock. Seemed a smidge bit too lopsided for my liking and a smidge bit too lopsided to be able to maintain upright stability on the tracks.  I tried to even out the weight proportions by occasionally staying on the opposite side of the rail car while everyone was hanging out the windows taking photos... and we aren't dead... so I think it worked.

No one thanked me.

The Devil's Nose

But... everywhere that I go, there is always someone who takes their traveling experience to a level of 'let's throw it in everyone's face' and to be sure, this trip was no exception to the rule.  This one girl... let's call her 'the photographer'... huge expensive camera hanging around her neck, khaki pants, hair in a pony tail, fanny pack, acting like National Geographic sent her on this trip... 

One of those "If I get 10 photos out of a 1000, I'll be so happy" people.  You know the kind...
Hogs the view the entire time because she obviously looks like a professional.  Capture this... capture that...

How to tell that she's not a professional?
She kept announcing how amazing her photo album was going to be.  

Photo albums are sooooo 90's...  get a cell phone, bitch.  No one cares.

My main concern was not dropping my iPhone in to the unknown... her main concern was letting us all know NOT to let her mother know that she was hanging out the window to capture the perfect shot.

"Don't tell my mom I'm hanging out the window."  

"Don't tell my mom that I attempted that shot!"

After listening to that for 2 hours, I finally blurted out;

"I already told her."

Shut up. 

Then she found a friend... a fellow 'photographer', though, he was slightly more amateur that she was.  He appeared to have nothing more than a cheap flip phone with an video app... and he used it the entire journey.  Then the race was on, they compared notes on photography shading & shadowing & capturing difficult shots and shared stories & adventures... and when I say 'they,' I mean all of us, because we were all subject to the irritation.  No one got out alive. Commence eye roll immediately...

Mari and I did take lots of photos, despite the Nariz del Diablo paparazzi. We managed to squeeze our way in to a portion of the windows that weren't being using to capture dangerous shots, selfies and exciting, top of the line video footage.

Then one of the ladies on the train came right up to me and said, 

"You know why it's called the Devils Nose?" 

No.

"It's because everyone knows that the Devil doesn't like sulphur."

Well, I guess NOW everyone knows.. because that is something I didn't learn in school.


Back at Alausi... lunch time.
Soup to start... with cilantro in it.
Chicken, mashed potatoes and salad with cilantro in it.  You can imagine my facial expression... Do not venture in to Ecuador if you do not like cilantro!  Finally warning... they put it in everything.

But... I endured the pain of the taste because I am a multi-cultural woman, who doesn't complain... often.

After lunch, we checked out the local market again and I ended up buying a couple alpaca scarfs... really beautiful and soft.

I must admit that I've spent most of my time in the local markets purchasing things for others... so I decided that it was high time I finally purchase something for myself!

Next stop: Ingapirca... It took 2 hours to get there after the train trip and  I think that everyone on the van fell asleep (excluding Secret Agent man behind me.)

Mari and I went to Ingapirca together, with the entire family, 26 years ago... but like Cuenca, neither of us remember anything.

The tour guide was amazing.  I had to laugh, because he kept telling us stories, history, folklore... and it all began with "Let me explain you why"... hence the name of this blog.

Ingapirca is the largest known Inca ruins in Ecuador and the the biggest and most significant is the Temple of the Sun.  The people that lived here were sun and moon worshipers and hosted ritual celebrations, believing that they needed to be as close to the Gods as possible.  

Then and now!

They would make sacrifices to the Gods- animals usually, but even small children at times if they believed that the Gods were upset with them (due to a volcano or horrible weather.)  It was really interesting... but freezing and raining almost the entire time we were there.  Thank God for my one and only outfit for these conditions.  

A lot of the site is now in ruins, because back in the 1950's and 60's, it was common practice for the people of the nearby town to come and collect the stones to use as foundation for building their homes.  Some of the boulders have now been returned, but no one knows exactly where they came from on site.

Back at the hostel, that night, everything was in the same order as we had left it....  We decided to just stay the extra night because we were tired. My 'money is no object' frame of mind was tossed out the window due to fatigue and indifference.

I kept waking up in the night though, very much doubting the pillows that my head lay on.  

If I get lice... who is going to help me get the bugs out???

On her phone...

Trying to find a place to have dinner was a challenge as almost everything in the city was closed (Sunday), but we managed to find a cute little restaurant in the Historical Centre.  I had draped myself in my lovely new alpaca scarf... for warmth and style.  Feeling quite pretty and extra confident in my new trendy & classy purchase.

When we arrived at the restaurant, I removed my jacket and my scarf to get comfortable.  Mari almost immediately yelped,

"Joanna... que paso?"

Better start being real nice to me because I've got 2 beautiful, alpaca wool scarves for give-away because they turn my neck an attractive shade of bumpy rash red. 

I finally buy something amazing for myself... and I'm allergic.

At least now, when I have to fill out those medical forms at massage clinics and doctor's offices, and they ask me to to fill in the allergies I have... I can write alpaca.